Statements full of irony, sarcasm and truth
Corporate announcements are often so formal. But sometimes the divisions between CEO code, prose and poetry aren’t clear-cut.
It does not happen often. Occasionally it happens. Managers dare to break norm and form. There are cases where the Push-out Score™ will produce interesting but totally redundant results.
“Perfectly fine mid life crisis”
“After nearly 7 years as CFO, I will be retiring from Google to spend more time with my family. Yeah, I know you’ve heard that line before. … Allow me to spare you the rest of the truths. But the short answer is simply that I could not find a good argument to tell [my wife] Tamar we should wait any longer for us to grab our backpacks and hit the road — celebrate our last 25 years together by turning the page and enjoy a perfectly fine mid life crisis full of bliss and beauty.”
(Google CFO Patrick Pichette in March 2015 in a post on Google Plus)
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“Not leaving to spend more time with my family”
“I am not leaving to spend more time with my family — that presumes my family wants to spend more time with me. I will, however, be spending more time in my shop with my robots. I also have some other plans and will have more to say on what I’m doing in the next few months.”
(Autodesk CEO Carl Bass in February 2017 in a statement posted to the Autodesk website)
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“After some serious soul searching”
“After some serious soul searching I have taken the decision to retire from The Net-a-porter Group and to start a new chapter in my life.”
(Net-a-porter founder Natalie Massenet in September 2015 in an email to staff)
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“That day has come”
“I have always said if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple’s CEO, I would be the first to let you know. Unfortunately, that day has come.”
(Apple CEO Steve Jobs in August 2011)
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“I’ve just been fired over the phone”
“I am very sad to tell you that I’ve just been fired over the phone by Yahoo’s Chairman of the Board.”
(Yahoo CEO Carol A. Bartz in September 2011 in an email to staff)
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“This feels like a divorce”
“It is with a very heavy heart that I say goodbye to Usana, but I hope not to my Usana Family. … [T]his feels like a divorce where I have lost custody of my children. I had always expected to be with Usana until the end, but life is complex and things don’t always work out how we would hope. Unfortunately, Dr [Myron W.] Wentz [his father and Chairman of the Board of Usana] and I could not find a way to make things work. After years of disagreements and very little communication, I realized that it would be best for everyone involved if we were to part ways.”
(Usana Co-CEO Dave Wentz in November 2016 in a post on Facebook)
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“They requested that I ‘step aside’”
“On Friday I was in Washington for a meeting with administration officials. In the course of that meeting, they requested that I ‘step aside’ as CEO of GM, and so I have.”
(General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner in March 2009 in a statement posted to the GM website)
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“Untenable atmosphere”
“After a lot of reflection, I have resigned from my position as your MD & CEO effective today. … I cannot carry out my job as CEO and continue to create value, while also constantly defending against unrelenting, baseless/malicious and increasingly personal attacks. … I have decided to leave because the distractions, the very public noise around us, have created an untenable atmosphere. … I now need to move forward, and return to an environment of respect, trust and empowerment, where I can take on new lofty challenges, as can each of you. … Over the next weeks and months, I look forward to working with the Board and management to create a smooth transition, and simultaneously staring into the great unknown, and to doing something great, something purposeful, for the times ahead. And also to spend some time with my loved ones. I’ve been away from home far too often and far too long.”
(Infosys CEO Vishal Sikka in August 2017 in an email to staff)
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“In the longer term”
“Tangoe, Inc. … today announced that Al Subbloie has resigned from his role as Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer, effective immediately, after being informed of the Board’s conclusion that the Company in the longer term would benefit from a transition to a new CEO.”
(Tangoe Inc. in a corporate announcement in May 2016)